Although I have not been on my feet for the last 7 months now, things are slowly getting better. I am starting to keep a better state of mind from what I am used to. Its nice to see the world brighter around me and enjoy the people that are in my life now. People who aren't poisonous and who have something to teach me in who they are. These people that I have come to get to know are so beautiful on the inside and the outside. They have taught me a different way of being kind to myself, my loved ones (friends and family), and the world around me.
I have learned so much from these kind folks and its so overwhelming I am not going to be able to get most of it out in words. I can now smile again and know that its real and not forced, it's the same with laughter as well. They have taught me how to love again and shown me it's okay to allow myself to be loved again. I am able to open myself up again after almost 4 years. I have always been a pretty open person but there are definitely certain aspects of my life I closed myself off from enjoying or experiencing because I didn't want to get hurt again. I now know that fear is something that should be embraced not completely feared.
Now that things are starting to stabilize for me, I can sense that things are starting to go in the right direction again. I am finally propelling forward in my life again, for a while it was one step forward and three steps back or even there being a point where I couldn't even take that one step forward and I was just stuck in Limbo. This was not a very fun place to be stuck but we all go through it at one point or another and sometimes we will go through it several times in one lifetime.
I am now currently staying with my boyfriend who was kind enough to give me a roof over my head in my time of need. I had no where else to turn and we were just starting to really try the friendship thing. The first time we started dating we did not really give each other the chance to try the whole building a strong foundation thing first and just kinda jumped in. Which wasn't bad, we had nothing but good times but it just didn't seem to be our time and things came to an end very abruptly. After almost a year and sometime to build a friendship we decided to give it another go. Things are so very different but also the same all at once. It is very comforting.
Although I am very happy about us starting something again I also have some qualms about trying again. I fear that history is going to repeat itself and things will end abruptly again. Although we have now had a few conversations on this subject, I am not completely at ease. And I know that this is just one of those things that only time will tell what the future holds for me. I still feel antsy and nervous at the same time.
I am happy that I have not found someone to be with for the sake of being with them, but have found someone that is going to enjoy the journey of life with me. As we both travel down our own paths we are doing it together and are able to have separate lives. It is crazy different from the relationships I had when I was younger and one another's lives revolved around each other and nothing but that. But now that's only a small piece of the puzzle and I am super excited to see what the whole picture will look like.
I don't like using names in my blog to respect everyone's privacy so I would just like to make a general thank you statement to everyone who has helped me to move in the right direction to get back on my feet. To the people who have given me a floor, couch, futon to sleep on, to those who have helped feed me, to those who have been there when I needed someone to listen to my woes and offer words of advice, to those who helped me to not give up when the going got tough and overwhelming, to those who taught me how to love again, and to all of you who take the time out of your day to give me the support of reading this blog. Thank you to everyone!
Although this sounds like it may be an end to this blog, I must assure you that it is not. This is merely the closing of one chapter in my life and the beginning of another. I will continue to post here and not only keep notes of how I am doing and my progress of getting back on my feet but also any insight, lessons, and/or words of advice that I may receive. It may be a while until I post here again so until next time my readers...
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