So Much Raw Emotion...

     Do you ever have one of the most amazing weeks ever, nothing but laughter, smiles for miles, and good times? I'm sure you have, everyone does. Well do you ever have one of those weeks and every time you go to lay your head down you think about all the awesome times you had with phenomenal people and for some reason you just have this melancholy feeling. There is just this touch of sadness I can't seem to rid of and it's bother some.

     I am such a happy go lucky person, always filled with smiles and laughter but there is this touch of sadness that just won't go away. I am so happy with where I am in life too which makes no sense. I have surrounded myself with non-toxic people, I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back. I'm not financially burdened. I relatively have no important cares in the world. I am just living my life day to day right now and completely enjoying it. 

     I am enjoying finding myself and what I want in this world. I am happy to be on this personal journey in finding what I want to do. I know that I want to do something that is productive to helping humanity. I want to leave a positive footprint on this world when I eventually leave it. I want to do something that helps others. I would love to do something that will leave a smile on my face at the end of the day and even more important someone elses face.

     I want so badly to find my home. I have places all over with great people and a great atmosphere but none of them ever seem like home. There are places that seem to keep attracting me back to them but none of them ever giving me that feeling of being home after an extended period of time. I would like so much to come to a place or live in a place that just warms my heart and gives me such positive vibes that help me to believe that no matter what I do my community will be there to support me in all that I want to do and all that I dream of. I want so badly to have a solid support system.

     Now I know wanting this and not having it maybe all my own fault for not staying in one place for a longer period of time. Staying in one place for a long period just makes me feel uneasy and I hate that I feel that way but I can't seem to help it. I am hoping that one of these days I can get the feeling to go away or grow out of it.

     On to another subject support systems, I want one so bad. I know that I have a few select friends that I can depend on which is all one needs. But I am so scared that those people won't be around for long because that is what I am used to. I am so used to people walking in and out of my life, and i'm used to walking in and out of others lives as well moving around so much. But I fear the trust I don't seem to have with people. I am so used to thinking that I have surrounded myself with a good person and them doing something to stab me in the back or lie to me and lose my trust. I know that in my past I have done some not so nice things to people. But isn't that a part of life. We have to grow up and realize our mistakes, learn from them and try not to make them again. I know that right now I am most certainly in this position and its apart of the growing process and will be for the rest of my life. But I am learning some situations faster than other but still learning nonetheless. 

     I know that they say you can not love someone else til you love yourself. I find this very true and have said this to other people before. I have had revelations in regards to that statement. Perhaps I didn't realize the full extent of this until recently but I am starting to do alot of heavy thinking in terms of this subject. I have been trying to figure out why none of my past relationships have worked out in the long run and what I could do to better myself. Trying to figure out what I need to do to make things better in the future. And this is much harder to do than I thought. There is so much I want to change about myself inside and out to make myself the person I want to be. And this is going to be an on going journey for the rest of my life. It is going to be a journey for the rest of my life to love myself. I have hated myself for so long that I know there is alot of internal healing that needs to happen. I need to come to terms with myself and what I am about and what I need to be about and what I want to be about.

     I believe that eventually I will be far enough into this journey that I can love myself and others fully the way that I would like to. One day I will come to terms with everything that has happened good and bad and the sadness can eventually go away. Until then I have to focus on the positive in my life and what I need to do to keep myself in a positive head space so I don't slip back into the endless void that has almost taken me before. Peace and love everyone. Thanks for reading.