Today wasn't too terrible. My shift at work pretty much went without any hitches. Although mentally I wish it had been a better day. I was feeling so overwhelmed this morning which could definitely be due to the fact that I maybe got only two hours of sleep. I was so stressed out over how yesterday went and continued to go. Things just didn't get any better. I went to go chill with some friends and my my car key in the ignition and absolutely nothing happened. I was at my breaking point at that point and just started crying. I was so upset this was the last thing that I needed with everything else going on. After calling a good friend turns out all I needed was a jump. I'm so forgetful I probably forgot to turn off a light. anyway the night did get a bit better after hanging out with some good people and having a few laughs.
Although today was a good one with work, it just wasn't at the same time. Ever feel like your alone when your surrounded by a whole room of people. Well it was unfortunately one of those days. All I could think about was everything I was doing wrong. Why I am in my present situation. How I got to this point in my life. and a million other questions. Too bad for me I couldn't shut off my mind which makes it really hard to work a three hour rush a a super busy coffee shop at 5 in the morning. With all of this I have never in my life felt so defeated and disappointed in myself. Plus I can only imagine other peoples disappointment in me as well. With the emotional roller coaster I have been on lately it gets hard to keep ones head up. Again to go back to yesterdays post about finding a light in the dark, it seems nearly impossible on this day.
In other matters I am starting to get used to the whole sleeping in my car dealio. I've learned how to fend for myself like never before. I am learning what the differences are between what I want and what I actually need to survive. I thought maybe it would be embarrassing to shower via public restrooms, but if its done super early in the morning or super late one can pretty much avoid the public. And washing clothes isn't a difficult task for that you just have to collect some change and head to the laundromat. Its a bit embarrassing that I am living in a car and don't have an actual roof over my head but I'm lucky to at least have a car and not be on the actual streets. Hopefully this is not too long term. I would eventually like to have my life together, no doubt.
Coming out to my family about my situation was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do just because I was so worried about their reactions. But all the worrying is for nothing. All they want to know is that I'm safe and taking care of myself. Which I am doing with lots of good advice from someone who has been in the same boat as me. And her advice and her wisdom has been very soothing. I am very lucky to know some of the people I do.
I hope that this blog opens up some minds in what the difference is between wants and needs. I know that I am learning new things everyday and opening up my eyes and mind to new experiences. And because of this not only am I learning so much about the world around me and that there is still kindness in humanity but I am learning so much about myself. I already know that even through the tough times, I know I can make it and although there might be some real rough times where my mind is thinking very bad things, I can make it through the storm that is my thoughts.
I have no idea where life is gonna take me in the the short term or the long term but I am gonna be ready for it. Let life throw at me what it will. I will conquer anything. As long as I try my best at everything I attempt and try to keep the most positive thoughts I have faith in myself to succeed. Well wishes and positive thoughts until the next time I write which will hopefully be tomorrow!
No comments:
Post a Comment