Well last night was a rough one. Had a phenomenal time with some friends at karaoke, it was nice to have fun and get my mind off of things for a bit. Unfortunately for me I couldn't keep my mind off of things while going out.
Trying to figure things out is becoming harder and harder. My phone service is turned off so I have very limited means of communication unless I can go somewhere where there is WiFi. I definitely make it work for me but it certainly complicates things. I want to stay as positive as I can and I give myself things to look forward to but sometimes that's just not enough. Trying to figure out what my resources are to get myself out of this situation is something else. Alot of these places want a phone number to contact me at, or an address to put on the paperwork. Kinda hard when I have neither.
If I can't get things together out here. I have a few friend back in Michigan that said they could help me out. And don't get me wrong I would love to see everyone again, but I really needed this fresh start for a reason. And I have been introduced to so many amazing people with great hearts and beautiful souls, it would just break my heart to have to leave all that. In my almost 22 years of living I have finally found people that accept me for who I am. I have never felt more comfortable and accepted in my life. And I would just truly hate to lose that. To be told that this group of friends keeps outsiders on a back burner and they welcomed me with open arms made me feel like one of them is crazy to me. I have only known these people for a couple weeks and I feel like I've known them for years. What a concept.
Being an ex-military child, I know how to move and make friends very easily. But it's a whole different situation when you realize that this is more of a long term feeling not a short term feeling. And it's breaking my heart to know that I may have to go back to Michigan and leave all the wonderful people. Another thing is that I absolutely love my job. I couldn't ask for a better manager, coworkers, or customers. This place is so heartwarming. To be able to watch people come in looking sad or angry and watching them leave with a smile on their face is a great feeling.
There are so many feelings and thoughts constantly running through my mind. I wish I could just crawl in my own mind and grasp said thoughts and feelings and put them in boxes and organize them. Its all so chaotic and overwhelming. Thank goodness I'm starting to get back into my writing because if I didn't have that, I would be a mess. well until next time.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Lack of Sleep Randoms
So it's been a couple of days since I have been able to post anything. Nothing too exciting going on at the moment. just working, hanging out with friends, making new friends, living life. Slowly learning how lonely this living in my car thing can be.
The last couple nights after leaving friends houses and going to my parking lot. The drive gets me thinking and sitting in the parking lot waiting to fall asleep gets me thinking even more. Which I suppose is a good thing because it is giving me my motivation back for my writing. I actually found the guts to show some of my work to a good friend of mine and he liked it. Said there was a lot of potential into turning a couple pieces into songs. That would be pretty neat to me. I never really got into writing songs. I tried just once and I thought it was just sub par but apparently it was more than that.
Also on the subject, working with said friend to look over some of my older pieces and see if anything can be done with those which is pretty cool. I never had the nerve to really show my work to alot of people. But I feel so comfortable with it. And to get feedback on what I can work on and improve on will be good. Also to see if I can take anything in a new direction will be pretty awesome. Maybe some collaborative pieces will come about. I'm super psyched to get back into writing.
So to switch to another topic, the last couple of nights have been real chilly. It was time for me to pull another blanket out of my trunk but on a good note I figured out how to make myself more comfortable in my little car by putting a pillow over my shifter, I can extend my legs to the passenger seat and lay almost all the way out which is a nice change of pace from sleeping sitting straight up. This whole thing so far has been such a great learning experience. Lots of do's and don'ts to figure out. And as much info as there is on the web and in the library, reading about it definitely isn't the same as actually living it.
So hanging out with certain people has definitely taught me about how much patience I have and how much I can actually put up with. Learning who I enjoy hanging out with and who I put up with is certainly something else in its entirety. But the good thing is learning to have a lot of patience which will only help me in the long run. Sometimes trying to find the positive in each situation can be very exhausting. But I do believe everything happens for a reason from each experience good or bad, the people that you come across, thought that are had, every choice made.
People say that our life is predetermined. But that is nearly impossible considering every decision we make each day. From something as simple as which shirt to wear, which route to take to make it to your destination, to bigger decisions like moving, big purchases, the things we choose to pursue in our lives. We make our own decisions and we must put up with the consequences good or bad. We have no one else to blame but ourselves for our choices. I know this is definitely one of those practice what you preach type moments. But again it's just one of those learning experiences. I know I try to blame others sometimes for things I've done to myself but I am getting way better about that.
Well I think that's enough for tonight. I'm working on about 4 hours of sleep and my mind just can't focus on one topic. Maybe tomorrows will be much less scattered. I will have something to talk about tomorrow I'm sure considering there is gonna be some writing done tonight.
The last couple nights after leaving friends houses and going to my parking lot. The drive gets me thinking and sitting in the parking lot waiting to fall asleep gets me thinking even more. Which I suppose is a good thing because it is giving me my motivation back for my writing. I actually found the guts to show some of my work to a good friend of mine and he liked it. Said there was a lot of potential into turning a couple pieces into songs. That would be pretty neat to me. I never really got into writing songs. I tried just once and I thought it was just sub par but apparently it was more than that.
Also on the subject, working with said friend to look over some of my older pieces and see if anything can be done with those which is pretty cool. I never had the nerve to really show my work to alot of people. But I feel so comfortable with it. And to get feedback on what I can work on and improve on will be good. Also to see if I can take anything in a new direction will be pretty awesome. Maybe some collaborative pieces will come about. I'm super psyched to get back into writing.
So to switch to another topic, the last couple of nights have been real chilly. It was time for me to pull another blanket out of my trunk but on a good note I figured out how to make myself more comfortable in my little car by putting a pillow over my shifter, I can extend my legs to the passenger seat and lay almost all the way out which is a nice change of pace from sleeping sitting straight up. This whole thing so far has been such a great learning experience. Lots of do's and don'ts to figure out. And as much info as there is on the web and in the library, reading about it definitely isn't the same as actually living it.
So hanging out with certain people has definitely taught me about how much patience I have and how much I can actually put up with. Learning who I enjoy hanging out with and who I put up with is certainly something else in its entirety. But the good thing is learning to have a lot of patience which will only help me in the long run. Sometimes trying to find the positive in each situation can be very exhausting. But I do believe everything happens for a reason from each experience good or bad, the people that you come across, thought that are had, every choice made.
People say that our life is predetermined. But that is nearly impossible considering every decision we make each day. From something as simple as which shirt to wear, which route to take to make it to your destination, to bigger decisions like moving, big purchases, the things we choose to pursue in our lives. We make our own decisions and we must put up with the consequences good or bad. We have no one else to blame but ourselves for our choices. I know this is definitely one of those practice what you preach type moments. But again it's just one of those learning experiences. I know I try to blame others sometimes for things I've done to myself but I am getting way better about that.
Well I think that's enough for tonight. I'm working on about 4 hours of sleep and my mind just can't focus on one topic. Maybe tomorrows will be much less scattered. I will have something to talk about tomorrow I'm sure considering there is gonna be some writing done tonight.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Kindness...it still exists
Post number three in four days with 104 views so far. I'm a happy camper with that. I'm just so glad people are taking the time out of their days to even glance at my page and even more grateful if they actually read it. This post, if it isn't obvious in the title, is about kindness that has been offered so far in the current struggles I'm battling on a daily basis.
So for the first in a week, I was finally showed some kindness and one of my coworkers and her boyfriend offered to let me crash on their couch and take a hot shower. I almost started crying I was so happy. For the first time in a week I was able to sleep for more than a couple hours and it felt so good to lie down and sleep. And the opportunity to take a nice hot shower was so overwhelmingly comforting, its hard to see the things that we take for granted until those things are not readily available. Not only were they offering me a warm couch and a shower, but then I was offered breakfast in the morning and gas money to get me through the week. I couldn't of even dreamed that they would be so kind and helpful. I just want to shout out to her and thank her so much. Her hospitality and kindness are too much for words right now.
Another act of kindness, was working the Concord store yesterday for a new friend who wanted to go on vacation early. It was a long shift but as soon as I walked through that front door, I was immediately greeted with warm smiles and a warm welcome. I knew right away it was gonna be a good shift. For the next 8.5 hours it was nothing but jokes, smiles, and laughter. I had so much fun and was super productive I couldn't believe it. I absolutely adore everyone that I met. Everyone was so nice and helpful. They didn't make me feel like an outsider which was a great change of pace because I get that feeling in my home store. I thought it was crazy that I could feel more comfortable in a strange store than in the one I had worked in for 6 months previous to the current employment stint. Any who not only was the friendliness just a\the icing on the cake but when it was time for the pre-closer to leave she offered me some of the food that is still prepackaged that we can no longer sale. It was nice to have a fresh breakfast in the morning. AND THEN...the closing manager and I were talking and I told her about my living situation because it came up in conversation. She asked right away if I was gonna be ok for the night and made me take her number and her facebook so I could text her if I needed anything or if I reach the point of needing a hot shower. So nice. Just met this woman for the first time and only worked with her for a few hours and she reached out a helping hand to me.
Living in my car isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I for sure do not want it to be a long term situation but just in the week alone that I have been doing this in this state, I have learned so much and I cannot wait to see what else I am going to learn about. Sometimes it gets pretty lonely and there is not much that one can do about that. I try to hang out with people as much as possible when I'm not working but I can't find someone all the time. But that's when it's time to drive somewhere to connect to free wi-fi.
So off topic, the way people come in and out of life. And the impression they leave on you is lasting it really makes you think. Like for instance liking someone and not hearing from them for an extended period of time and then making a connection with a mutual friend and then that first person coming back into your life. It can get so confusing and overwhelming. How does one handle a situation like this. There is so much that runs through my mind I'm not sure what to do or where to go with the situation. I don't want to make anyone mad or lose anyone in my life, because all of the people I have in my life right now are so special to me. It's so petty and not at the same time.
Well I have a lot of plans today and I should start my day. Lots of thinking and fun times ahead. Until next time...
So for the first in a week, I was finally showed some kindness and one of my coworkers and her boyfriend offered to let me crash on their couch and take a hot shower. I almost started crying I was so happy. For the first time in a week I was able to sleep for more than a couple hours and it felt so good to lie down and sleep. And the opportunity to take a nice hot shower was so overwhelmingly comforting, its hard to see the things that we take for granted until those things are not readily available. Not only were they offering me a warm couch and a shower, but then I was offered breakfast in the morning and gas money to get me through the week. I couldn't of even dreamed that they would be so kind and helpful. I just want to shout out to her and thank her so much. Her hospitality and kindness are too much for words right now.
Another act of kindness, was working the Concord store yesterday for a new friend who wanted to go on vacation early. It was a long shift but as soon as I walked through that front door, I was immediately greeted with warm smiles and a warm welcome. I knew right away it was gonna be a good shift. For the next 8.5 hours it was nothing but jokes, smiles, and laughter. I had so much fun and was super productive I couldn't believe it. I absolutely adore everyone that I met. Everyone was so nice and helpful. They didn't make me feel like an outsider which was a great change of pace because I get that feeling in my home store. I thought it was crazy that I could feel more comfortable in a strange store than in the one I had worked in for 6 months previous to the current employment stint. Any who not only was the friendliness just a\the icing on the cake but when it was time for the pre-closer to leave she offered me some of the food that is still prepackaged that we can no longer sale. It was nice to have a fresh breakfast in the morning. AND THEN...the closing manager and I were talking and I told her about my living situation because it came up in conversation. She asked right away if I was gonna be ok for the night and made me take her number and her facebook so I could text her if I needed anything or if I reach the point of needing a hot shower. So nice. Just met this woman for the first time and only worked with her for a few hours and she reached out a helping hand to me.
Living in my car isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I for sure do not want it to be a long term situation but just in the week alone that I have been doing this in this state, I have learned so much and I cannot wait to see what else I am going to learn about. Sometimes it gets pretty lonely and there is not much that one can do about that. I try to hang out with people as much as possible when I'm not working but I can't find someone all the time. But that's when it's time to drive somewhere to connect to free wi-fi.
So off topic, the way people come in and out of life. And the impression they leave on you is lasting it really makes you think. Like for instance liking someone and not hearing from them for an extended period of time and then making a connection with a mutual friend and then that first person coming back into your life. It can get so confusing and overwhelming. How does one handle a situation like this. There is so much that runs through my mind I'm not sure what to do or where to go with the situation. I don't want to make anyone mad or lose anyone in my life, because all of the people I have in my life right now are so special to me. It's so petty and not at the same time.
Well I have a lot of plans today and I should start my day. Lots of thinking and fun times ahead. Until next time...
Friday, May 10, 2013
Lost in my own world
Today wasn't too terrible. My shift at work pretty much went without any hitches. Although mentally I wish it had been a better day. I was feeling so overwhelmed this morning which could definitely be due to the fact that I maybe got only two hours of sleep. I was so stressed out over how yesterday went and continued to go. Things just didn't get any better. I went to go chill with some friends and my my car key in the ignition and absolutely nothing happened. I was at my breaking point at that point and just started crying. I was so upset this was the last thing that I needed with everything else going on. After calling a good friend turns out all I needed was a jump. I'm so forgetful I probably forgot to turn off a light. anyway the night did get a bit better after hanging out with some good people and having a few laughs.
Although today was a good one with work, it just wasn't at the same time. Ever feel like your alone when your surrounded by a whole room of people. Well it was unfortunately one of those days. All I could think about was everything I was doing wrong. Why I am in my present situation. How I got to this point in my life. and a million other questions. Too bad for me I couldn't shut off my mind which makes it really hard to work a three hour rush a a super busy coffee shop at 5 in the morning. With all of this I have never in my life felt so defeated and disappointed in myself. Plus I can only imagine other peoples disappointment in me as well. With the emotional roller coaster I have been on lately it gets hard to keep ones head up. Again to go back to yesterdays post about finding a light in the dark, it seems nearly impossible on this day.
In other matters I am starting to get used to the whole sleeping in my car dealio. I've learned how to fend for myself like never before. I am learning what the differences are between what I want and what I actually need to survive. I thought maybe it would be embarrassing to shower via public restrooms, but if its done super early in the morning or super late one can pretty much avoid the public. And washing clothes isn't a difficult task for that you just have to collect some change and head to the laundromat. Its a bit embarrassing that I am living in a car and don't have an actual roof over my head but I'm lucky to at least have a car and not be on the actual streets. Hopefully this is not too long term. I would eventually like to have my life together, no doubt.
Coming out to my family about my situation was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do just because I was so worried about their reactions. But all the worrying is for nothing. All they want to know is that I'm safe and taking care of myself. Which I am doing with lots of good advice from someone who has been in the same boat as me. And her advice and her wisdom has been very soothing. I am very lucky to know some of the people I do.
I hope that this blog opens up some minds in what the difference is between wants and needs. I know that I am learning new things everyday and opening up my eyes and mind to new experiences. And because of this not only am I learning so much about the world around me and that there is still kindness in humanity but I am learning so much about myself. I already know that even through the tough times, I know I can make it and although there might be some real rough times where my mind is thinking very bad things, I can make it through the storm that is my thoughts.
I have no idea where life is gonna take me in the the short term or the long term but I am gonna be ready for it. Let life throw at me what it will. I will conquer anything. As long as I try my best at everything I attempt and try to keep the most positive thoughts I have faith in myself to succeed. Well wishes and positive thoughts until the next time I write which will hopefully be tomorrow!
Although today was a good one with work, it just wasn't at the same time. Ever feel like your alone when your surrounded by a whole room of people. Well it was unfortunately one of those days. All I could think about was everything I was doing wrong. Why I am in my present situation. How I got to this point in my life. and a million other questions. Too bad for me I couldn't shut off my mind which makes it really hard to work a three hour rush a a super busy coffee shop at 5 in the morning. With all of this I have never in my life felt so defeated and disappointed in myself. Plus I can only imagine other peoples disappointment in me as well. With the emotional roller coaster I have been on lately it gets hard to keep ones head up. Again to go back to yesterdays post about finding a light in the dark, it seems nearly impossible on this day.
In other matters I am starting to get used to the whole sleeping in my car dealio. I've learned how to fend for myself like never before. I am learning what the differences are between what I want and what I actually need to survive. I thought maybe it would be embarrassing to shower via public restrooms, but if its done super early in the morning or super late one can pretty much avoid the public. And washing clothes isn't a difficult task for that you just have to collect some change and head to the laundromat. Its a bit embarrassing that I am living in a car and don't have an actual roof over my head but I'm lucky to at least have a car and not be on the actual streets. Hopefully this is not too long term. I would eventually like to have my life together, no doubt.
Coming out to my family about my situation was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do just because I was so worried about their reactions. But all the worrying is for nothing. All they want to know is that I'm safe and taking care of myself. Which I am doing with lots of good advice from someone who has been in the same boat as me. And her advice and her wisdom has been very soothing. I am very lucky to know some of the people I do.
I hope that this blog opens up some minds in what the difference is between wants and needs. I know that I am learning new things everyday and opening up my eyes and mind to new experiences. And because of this not only am I learning so much about the world around me and that there is still kindness in humanity but I am learning so much about myself. I already know that even through the tough times, I know I can make it and although there might be some real rough times where my mind is thinking very bad things, I can make it through the storm that is my thoughts.
I have no idea where life is gonna take me in the the short term or the long term but I am gonna be ready for it. Let life throw at me what it will. I will conquer anything. As long as I try my best at everything I attempt and try to keep the most positive thoughts I have faith in myself to succeed. Well wishes and positive thoughts until the next time I write which will hopefully be tomorrow!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Trying to find the light in the dark
First let me introduce myself. My name is Kaytie, I'm 21 years old and currently reside in Bedford, Massachusetts in my car. It didn't start out this way but its where I'm at right now. This is day one of my blog hopefully I can stick to it and try to write in it everyday. I want this to be a journey for myself as well as my readers. This is just a simple blog about my daily activities as well as my travels and thoughts on whats going on around, how I'm surviving living out of my car, and what I learn on a daily basis.
Well this is actually day 3 of living life on the outside. The first night wasn't so bad. I was hanging out with friends until way late and then made my way back to town so I could crash in the Marshall's parking lot. I chose this particular lot because there are no lights and its way off to the side off the street so in others words almost no traffic and I can avoid the cops as best I can. So far so good, spent two nights in the lot with no problems. But as I wake up on day three with a tap on my window, it was the lovely town cops. So I sat up and rolled down my window. And the cop asks me why I'm sleeping in my car and if I've been drinking. I tell him no and that I'm traveling from out of town and I got real tired and wanted to pull over so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel. I'm guessing she saw that I had a Michigan license plate and believed me. She was nice enough to just give me a warning and leave. That was a good way to start my day...not. But it could have been worse so I cannot complain too much.
Event number two of the day was certainly one I've had before and it doesn't get any less embarrassing. So I pull up to the mall so I can return some work shoes I bought for a job that fired me after one shift. And I get out and go around to my passenger side door to take out the box of shoes and my purse and realize I've left my keys in the car and my doors are locked. Oh boy...really this cannot be happening right now. So I walk over to Sears automotive repair shop they can't help and send me into Sears to call mall security to help me. Mall security can't help and tell me I need to call the Burlington Police to come and jimmy my car open. At this point the cops have been called and I'm waiting outside in the rain for the cop. Next thing I know I look up to see a coworker of mine and she asks what happens, of course I just break down and tell her about my entire morning because it was so riddled with unexpected events. The cops finally show up and help me get into my car. My coworker comes with me to return those shoes and then we walked around the mall a couple of times and talked. She had the most amazing things to say to me about staying positive and what positive thinking can do. Now don't get me wrong I try to think positive as much as I can but sometimes life just throws so much at you that you feel so defeated.
Thank goodness this coworker was around because I really needed to hear what she had to say and can already tell that she is a gift to the world. She has such a big heart and beautiful soul. She just wants to help everyone and its so great to see that in action. She went through the same thing I am going through right now and has been able to help me out and give me such positive advice. I feel so lucky to know her and be friends with her. Even though alot of what she had to say had to do with Jesus and the real meaning of Christianity, I sat there and listened with an open mind. I'm not religious myself and I won't put others down for believing what they believe in but I don't feel it should be topic of conversation but i wanted to listen to what she had to say and I'm really glad I did because I got alot out of it. I have been having some issues as of late staying positive and and keeping a smile on my face. Which is never a problem because I love laughing and smiling and being happy and spreading that around. But finding that light in the dark will be a struggle for a while until my situation starts looking up. But my coworker makes me think that its definitely positive because in just a year she has completely turned around her situation so maybe I can do the same.
I am opening up myself to a new experience tonight and going with this coworker to a church function for homeless people. I am not sure what I should be expecting so I will proceed with caution. Well that is it for now I suppose, in my next couple entries I will go more into how I got where I am and where I hope to get.
Well this is actually day 3 of living life on the outside. The first night wasn't so bad. I was hanging out with friends until way late and then made my way back to town so I could crash in the Marshall's parking lot. I chose this particular lot because there are no lights and its way off to the side off the street so in others words almost no traffic and I can avoid the cops as best I can. So far so good, spent two nights in the lot with no problems. But as I wake up on day three with a tap on my window, it was the lovely town cops. So I sat up and rolled down my window. And the cop asks me why I'm sleeping in my car and if I've been drinking. I tell him no and that I'm traveling from out of town and I got real tired and wanted to pull over so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel. I'm guessing she saw that I had a Michigan license plate and believed me. She was nice enough to just give me a warning and leave. That was a good way to start my day...not. But it could have been worse so I cannot complain too much.
Event number two of the day was certainly one I've had before and it doesn't get any less embarrassing. So I pull up to the mall so I can return some work shoes I bought for a job that fired me after one shift. And I get out and go around to my passenger side door to take out the box of shoes and my purse and realize I've left my keys in the car and my doors are locked. Oh boy...really this cannot be happening right now. So I walk over to Sears automotive repair shop they can't help and send me into Sears to call mall security to help me. Mall security can't help and tell me I need to call the Burlington Police to come and jimmy my car open. At this point the cops have been called and I'm waiting outside in the rain for the cop. Next thing I know I look up to see a coworker of mine and she asks what happens, of course I just break down and tell her about my entire morning because it was so riddled with unexpected events. The cops finally show up and help me get into my car. My coworker comes with me to return those shoes and then we walked around the mall a couple of times and talked. She had the most amazing things to say to me about staying positive and what positive thinking can do. Now don't get me wrong I try to think positive as much as I can but sometimes life just throws so much at you that you feel so defeated.
Thank goodness this coworker was around because I really needed to hear what she had to say and can already tell that she is a gift to the world. She has such a big heart and beautiful soul. She just wants to help everyone and its so great to see that in action. She went through the same thing I am going through right now and has been able to help me out and give me such positive advice. I feel so lucky to know her and be friends with her. Even though alot of what she had to say had to do with Jesus and the real meaning of Christianity, I sat there and listened with an open mind. I'm not religious myself and I won't put others down for believing what they believe in but I don't feel it should be topic of conversation but i wanted to listen to what she had to say and I'm really glad I did because I got alot out of it. I have been having some issues as of late staying positive and and keeping a smile on my face. Which is never a problem because I love laughing and smiling and being happy and spreading that around. But finding that light in the dark will be a struggle for a while until my situation starts looking up. But my coworker makes me think that its definitely positive because in just a year she has completely turned around her situation so maybe I can do the same.
I am opening up myself to a new experience tonight and going with this coworker to a church function for homeless people. I am not sure what I should be expecting so I will proceed with caution. Well that is it for now I suppose, in my next couple entries I will go more into how I got where I am and where I hope to get.
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