Time is a Remedy

     Hello Readers, I don't have to much to report on for this post. My life has slowed down a lot and is starting to settle down a bit. Now this blog is mostly going to be my thoughts and how I survive day to day life. This includes the job hunt, the ups and downs in my relationship, new recipes since I love cooking so much, and new to add my relationship with music that is now back on track.

      Well like I said above I don't really have anything super crazy going on right now. I have since celebrated my 22nd birthday this past week. Was not really in the mood to celebrate it, but I did have a couple easy nights with some great friends so that was nice. My boyfriend got me a magnificent guitar and even better put about 6 hours of wood-burning work into the instrument to personalize it for me. It is absolutely beautiful and I haven't really been able to put it down since then. It feels so amazing to have music back in my life again, not that it really ever left but there was a short absence. I haven't picked up a guitar in about 3 years since I had to pawn my last one for rent money during a really rough patch in my life. Immediately after having the guitar in my hands, I felt the motivation and inspiration to write again. I think it definitely helps that a lot of love and thought went into it. So all in all my birthday was a pretty good one.

     There is definitely a bumpy road currently with the relationship I am currently in. I know that when I get angry or hurt instead of confronting the situation right away, I need to take some time to myself to cool down and think about things otherwise all I am gonna do is yell and that does nobody any good. Well we just got into a pretty big misunderstanding and that is exactly what I did. I had my intentions with a friend questioned and the relationship questioned. But here is the thing, once I am in a relationship, I am completely devoted to that person. I could never cheat or think of cheating on that person. I know how it has felt being the person getting cheated on and I would never be able to forgive myself for causing someone else that pain. Yes a lot of the friends in my life are men, this is because I have been betrayed by so many friends that were girls plus I just feel more comfortable chillin with the guys, also I have a tendency of getting really close with my friends but that should not mean that I have thoughts of being with that person intimately. Having my feelings on my relationship questioned not only pissed me off to no end but hurt so much more than I thought it would.

     I feel like these feelings will subside soon enough and I thought talking them out with my significant other would help and they did a little bit but I think it was mostly for his benefit. I love him dearly but I am not sure what is going on at this point. We are both kinda at a stand still right now. A few more days and I think that things will probably just go back to where they were at. I am slowly learning that this communication thing that is very necessary in a relationship is harder than it seems. I feel like there is so much that I need to get out and express but I am so worried about sounding selfish, mean, or hurting the other person. Although I am pretty good with words on paper, I am not so good at it in person, and can come off as a cold shouldered person. For those people who know me, they know this is not the person I am. But I definitely lack in the communication/confrontation part of any relationship, friends, family, lovers, significant other alike. This is something that has been a learning process for me and will continue to be one for me as time passes. 

    I feel as though there are things that one needs/wants in a relationship and it is very hard to voice those things. I am sure in time I will be able to let him know what those are but that tricky little word time is key. For that word can be ones best friend or enemy. Just depends on what the situation is I suppose. Sometimes I have these bouts of anger and/or depression that come and go. Sometimes I don't know why and sometimes I do. Sometimes it takes longer for for some to pass then others. I try to control it but sometimes it takes control of me. I am not sure why this happens or why it can take so long to pass but it's something that I am looking into. Anyway I think that's about enough for today. I have some more thinking to do so I can be human again and not be so angry. Thanks for taking the time to read this even though its more of a rant than anything. I guess we all kinda just have these days. 

Til next time folks!

Oh the days we have...

     Here we go, at the ole writing thing again. Not a whole lot to blog about this time, things are still kinda the same. Nothing but positivity, good vibes, and great people. I can feel even better things to come. Hopefully one of those things being a job. I feel as though I am forever on the job hunt and I know one has to come my way soon, im not giving up til I get what I want. And this kinda can do attitude has gotten me quite far in recent times. Since my four month sabbatical in Boston, MA I have become such a different person and only in a good way. I came back and met such amazing people and have had even more amazing experiences with these people. Watching them live their life and being able to be a part of it is such a blessing to me. I had no idea what I had until I really started to think about it. I know this is all sort of repetitive with my last few posts but I just feel like I can't seem to capture this part of my life and the ongoing activities and feelings with enough words. So I will constantly be posting about this.

     With all that being said, boy did I have a pretty rough day today but it got way better as the hours moved from one to the next. I went to donate plasma today which is something that I do twice a week for my income until a job opportunity comes along. Well normally donating goes well no problems and I feel a bit fatigued afterward. Today I finished donating and walked to a fast food place to get some water and break a bill for bus money. As I was waiting in line my vision got really fuzzy and my hearing was bizarre. All of a sudden I couldn't hear anything accept this really loud obnoxious buzzing. I tried to put my headphones in to bring me back to earth and that made me super nauseous. Next thing I know there are two managers leaning over me, checking my pulse and asking if I would like them to call an ambulance. This was the last thing that I needed, so they helped me over to a chair and got me some water and I called a friend who was nice enough to come and pick me up. We did some light grocery shopping before she was kind enough to take me home. Walking through the apartment door I was super dizzy and short of breath. I put the groceries away drank a bunch of water and took a nap. I woke as soon as my boyfriend walked in the door. I barely had the energy to talk and catch him up on my days activity.

     I have never felt so drained in my life. My boyfriend was kind enough to order out for dinner because I just did not have the energy to cook. After getting some food in my stomach and drinking a bunch more water, I began to feel slightly better. I am still extremely fatigued but since he has the day off tomorrow we decided to head down to a local bar and check out some live music. A few of my friends were playing sets and it's always great to go down and support my friends in their endeavors. Took things pretty easy and wasn't gonna go but one of those friends is moving out of town fairly soon and since he is one of my best friends, I try not to miss any opportunity to see him play. Also tonight was a debut of another one of my friends. They all did such an amazing job, I give them props for what they do. They are all so skilled and have so much fun doing what they do best. You can feel their person in what they produce and seeing their smiles while they play is phenomenal.

     Speaking of friends that are leaving state, there are quite a few of them that are leaving to explore and see where life takes them. I wish them nothing but the best in their adventures, I know they will have so much fun, and learn so much. I can't wait to hear about everything. Its quite strange to be saying goodbyes or see you laters and having them leave. I am so used to being in that role and now it's quite a different experience being on that side of the fence. I am still kinda used to it being an ex-military child, it is the kinda thing you grow up with. But in the last 5 years it has been me leaving but now roles are reversed. I can't wait to see where things go from here with my friends and myself.

     I wish my friends nothing but the safest and most fulfilling journeys. And will continue to support them in all that they do and learn. I hope that I will be able to stay in contact with them and hear all about everything. With that being said, it has been a very long day and this chica is gonna go to bed and see what the next day has to offer. Hopefully it offers much better things than the earlier part of today has. Goodnight and good vibes. Thanks again to everyone who takes the time out to read this. I can't thank everyone enough!!!

Nothing But Positivity

     Although I have not been on my feet for the last 7 months now, things are slowly getting better. I am starting to keep a better state of mind from what I am used to. Its nice to see the world brighter around me and enjoy the people that are in my life now. People who aren't poisonous and who have something to teach me in who they are. These people that I have come to get to know are so beautiful on the inside and the outside. They have taught me a different way of being kind to myself, my loved ones (friends and family), and the world around me.

     I have learned so much from these kind folks and its so overwhelming I am not going to be able to get most of it out in words. I can now smile again and know that its real and not forced, it's the same with laughter as well. They have taught me how to love again and shown me it's okay to allow myself to be loved again. I am able to open myself up again after almost 4 years. I have always been a pretty open person but there are definitely certain aspects of my life I closed myself off from enjoying or experiencing because I didn't want to get hurt again. I now know that fear is something that should be embraced not completely feared.

     Now that things are starting to stabilize for me, I can sense that things are starting to go in the right direction again. I am finally propelling forward in my life again, for a while it was one step forward and three steps back or even there being a point where I couldn't even take that one step forward and I was just stuck in Limbo. This was not a very fun place to be stuck but we all go through it at one point or another and sometimes we will go through it several times in one lifetime.

     I am now currently staying with my boyfriend who was kind enough to give me a roof over my head in my time of need. I had no where else to turn and we were just starting to really try the friendship thing. The first time we started dating we did not really give each other the chance to try the whole building a strong foundation thing first and just kinda jumped in. Which wasn't bad, we had nothing but good times but it just didn't seem to be our time and things came to an end very abruptly. After almost a year and sometime to build a friendship we decided to give it another go. Things are so very different but also the same all at once. It is very comforting.

     Although I am very happy about us starting something again I also have some qualms about trying again. I fear that history is going to repeat itself and things will end abruptly again. Although we have now had a few conversations on this subject, I am not completely at ease. And I know that this is just one of those things that only time will tell what the future holds for me. I still feel antsy and nervous at the same time.

     I am happy that I have not found someone to be with for the sake of being with them, but have found someone that is going to enjoy the journey of life with me. As we both travel down our own paths we are doing it together and are able to have separate lives. It is crazy different from the relationships I had when I was younger and one another's lives revolved around each other and nothing but that. But now that's only a small piece of the puzzle and I am super excited to see what the whole picture will look like.

     I don't like using names in my blog to respect everyone's privacy so I would just like to make a general thank you statement to everyone who has helped me to move in the right direction to get back on my feet. To the people who have given me a floor, couch, futon to sleep on, to those who have helped feed me, to those who have been there when I needed someone to listen to my woes and offer words of advice, to those who helped me to not give up when the going got tough and overwhelming, to those who taught me how to love again, and to all of you who take the time out of your day to give me the support of reading this blog. Thank you to everyone!

     Although this sounds like it may be an end to this blog, I must assure you that it is not. This is merely the closing of one chapter in my life and the beginning of another. I will continue to post here and not only keep notes of how I am doing and my progress of getting back on my feet but also any insight, lessons, and/or words of advice that I may receive. It may be a while until I post here again so until next time my readers...

Motivation is Music

"Sometimes we get lost in our own minds. Sometimes we succumb to the darker of our thoughts. sometimes we think that enough alone time will help us. Sometimes we think that our hobbies will be our escape. Sometimes this isn't enough. Sometimes we need our friends."

The above statement is something that I posted on a social networking site just hours earlier. I had no idea what kind of response I would be getting back from this. I was really glad when it was a positive one though. I had one friend who did an oracle reading for me and this is what I was told:

you are bringing forth new and dynamic energy into the world

energy that has never been here before

its calling you to live our your highest dreams

since i know you... i think it means more writing... more sharing of yourself

there are many more like u out there... and u can uplift them with your story

This I think meant more to me than the friend doing the reading even knew. I was starting to think that doing this blog was completely pointless. I know I have family out there that reads it but I really wanted it to have a bigger meaning than my family and some friends knowing what I was going through because that happens through daily conversation. I am not sure exactly what I want out of it but something bigger than it being an online diary would be great.

The same friend who did this reading for me also set me up with some great music to get these creative juices flowing. And boy did I need the help. I spent two hours staring at this blank screen knowing what I wanted to write about but not only was there a creative block I was also not feeling motivated. But then I heard this one track which was so earthy and heartfelt I could feel every note touch every fiber of my being and beyond. Its crazy insane to me how much music can be versatile in its own being. It can be used for so many different things. And once it gets inside your head not only does it help with the creative but also the organizational side as well. This track immediately started flowing through my fingers into the keys of this laptop. From here I will go to my creative and less informative writing.

Anyway the point of today's blog was pretty much just wanting to touch up on the fact that even when your mind takes you to dark places and you don't think you can escape there are people places and things that can help you to do so. I feel so blessed to have discovered this. To know that I don't have to be alone in anything that overwhelms me.

I can feel myself slowly propelling forward which is fantastic. I have somewhere steady to live right now, food in my stomach, friends who truly care for my well being and vice versa, I am filling out at least 10 job apps a day and I know I will soon be hearing back from someone so that I may start to get on my feet again. I know that I must focus on me and only me at this time to accomplish my short term goals. And for those of you who know me I have even cut most of the partying out of my life to do so. And yall know me so that means alot more free time and sober time to focus on what I need to.

Another day another post. Another to come soon my readers. please feel free to post your comments on my blog itself would be much appreciated. Thank you so much for anyone and everyone who passes by this blog and gives it a brief moment.

Triumphant Collision

     So it has again been awhile since I have posted in my blog. As I am sure many of you can relate life gets the best of us, and sometimes somethings just have to wait. Well that's exactly what has happened here. A lot has happened, lets see where do we start...the last time I actually posted the ins and outs of my present day life was back in July  my goodness quite a bit has happened since then.

     Well my Fourth of July was a bunch of fun, nothing to complain about there.I was living with my Bes Fran (yes, i spelled that correctly) and this chick I had met at a party once before I left for Massachusetts in the first place.Come to find out this chica has become one of my closest friends here in the great state of Michigan. She has taught me so many things and has been helping me grow in all her wisdom, positivity, and smiles. Soon after arriving in Kalamazoo my travel plans got thrown off track, it looked like it wasnt happening. Since then there have been many up and down with those plans. I'm looking at it right now as it was meant to happen and if it is, it will be in the future. 

     After that living situation which I was blessed with the offer to stay until the lease ended I moved in with another amazing friend for about a week. He is also a very wise person. He who had so much to offer, between him and some mutual friends I have never felt so much love from a group of friends. Soon after landing at couch city I received an offer to go to and stay in New York for a while, I thought Wahoo my travel plans are finally beginning. Nope they sure didn't, that option then was no longer available. Then the next day one of my friends roommates came home at 7 in the morning and started freaking out at me about something I did not do and whilst yelling at me and attacking me with names, I knew staying there was no longer an option so I got everything together and headed over to a friends where she helped me calm down from an anxiety attack.

       I went about everything that I had to do that day and spent hours trying to figure out what I was going to do. Thus began the over thinking process and I started to freak out and have another panic attack. The last person that I thought would help me was the first to give me a roof over my head for the evening which turned into a place til I find a job. Which is more kindness than I could even think of asking for. I was ready to check into a shelter or sleep in public somewhere. Now I am blessed to have a roof over my head yet again and good company. 

     Even though my plans have changed drastically since the beginning. But i have  come to see it as more of an internal journey and less of an external journey. I am finding out so much about myself. I am starting to become more self-sufficient which is great. I have learn to be a much kinder and more open minded person. I am so much less materialistic which is nice. Also being myself and learning who I am is a huge puzzle that I am slowly starting to figure out. 

     A huge thing that I have also learned is that I am not alone in anything that I do. That there is always someone there that is supporting me, always love and positive energy coming my way. There is always someone out there that I can talk to when I am having bad thought or going through a rough time. Whether they give me great advice, words of wisdom, or just listen to my situation and tell me they will be there for me gives me the extra strength that I sometimes need.

    Another lesson is letting things be what they are. Sometimes we want to act on a thought or emotion but in the best interest of ourselves we hold back. To save ourselves emotionally or physically we just let things go be the bigger person and not say something back to a witty retort or wanting to act on other needs but knowing not to because it could screw up a perfectly good situation, sometimes this can be the hardest decision. And it is exhausting emotionally but it could be more emotionally detrimental if acted upon. Another big lesson I have learned over the years and am finally understanding. 

     Anyway I have learned so much in the last couple months about myself and others. All are lessons that I am grateful to have learned. I am also feeling so blessed to have met so many amazing people. Its mind blowing how many beautiful people are out there. So thank you to everyone! 

motivation molds the words my brain cannot.

Constantly heartbroken
Friends and lovers all seem to disappoint
My heart is as open as the sky
People infiltrate without a second thought
Littering and polluting what should be so pure

No longer full of trust
Always on guard
The mote around my deeply guarded castle
Grows bigger and more treacherous
I caution all including myself at this point

Tried once to put my heart in a box and lock it away
It sat and wasted away in a dungeon
When it came time to dust off that ruby
It did not belong to me anymore

For my journey to find myself began
At the beginning of this adventure,
I could not recognize the reflection
So blurry and colorless
As the days and months passed
The image in the mirror became clearer
It was me, I was just lost and had a muddled mind

Learning to be ok with humanity was only the start
I needed to learn how to love, accept, and forgive again
I needed to learn it was okay to be happy
I needed to find something to believe in
I found that something
This is a good push for myself into this self reflecting journey

Never do I want to get to the point where I don't recognize myself again
I want to meet new souls, make phenomenal connections, enjoy life
I have started seeing the positive no matter how bad the situation
I can feel positive energy surrounding me and my loved ones
Peace, love and smile are what make this world go round
Just need to go back to simple times and simple things

We have clearly lost what is important to us as a worldwide community
There are very few of us who have started the internal journey
So many that will in their own time
So many that will not
Eventually this world will be healed again
Just takes one person at a time

Giving My All.

Feelings twisted
Words twisted
Confused mind
Confused thoughts

Living up to nothing
Nothing but disappointment
Doing zip with my life
Surviving day to day

So much emptiness
So much numbness
I miss feelings
I miss laughing for real

The days when feelings were real
The days when smiles weren't forced
The days when trust wasn't broken
The days of thinking people had your best interest at heart

I miss real people
I miss real feelings
I miss real conversations
I miss not being betrayed

Always missing
Never being
Wanting the moment
Watching it forever pass by

Always chasing never received
Always wanting never granted
Wanting what's best
Never seeing the end of the rainbow

Hoping for the good
Aways seeing the bad
Giving my all to humanity
Now I've given my all